Are You Now or Have You Ever Been
by ringanybells
Summary: The much loved Camelot scene and what was going through their minds as they stood on the second floor balcony. LoVe.


A/N: I know this piece has been written a hundred times over, but it is the prfect LoVe scene. So i decided to post my version of it anyways.

She walks out of the hotel room, staring off into the distance. Her head is swirling with thoughts of bomb threats and the boy who once stood up for her; she's trying to reconcile the two images in her mind. But the moment she sees him, all thoughts of the ever-ticking countdown clock fly from her head. She doesn't maintain eye contact, looking down almost immediately to try and reorganize her thoughts. She's now trying to fit new images together. These images are of the boy she met when she was twelve, who loved her best friend, the jackass -09er who called her slut, and turned her friends against her, the heart-broken son who'd broken down in her arms, less then a month ago.

She looks back up, for once letting her mind stop trying to fit the puzzle together. This time she doesn't look away. She walks toward him, their eyes locked. And for the first time in what seems like ages, she sees Logan. Just in this moment, the shadows that have been in his eyes since Lilly died are gone; the pain that was written in every line of his face since he lost his mother has been erased.

"You okay?" His voice isn't heavy like she had expected it to be, the worry that had been present in his overprotective remarks inside the hotel room is replaced with a calm tone. He knows she's alright. He knows this because she's Veronica Mars and she's tough, at least now she is. But that doesn't stop the question from coming, because all those days ago, when she had been the one helping him, he'd remembered. He remembered back to the lazy summer days spent by the Kane pool, to the movie marathons that took place in his own pool house, to the million adventures that he had embarked upon with Veronica by his side, the ones that also included the Kane siblings. He remembered when the four of them had been inseparable. And he had missed it. And that's why he asks, because he needs to know she's not broken.

For the first time since she cut off her hair and donned her new image, Veronica has no words for Logan Echolls. But that's not entirely true. She has two words, but she doesn't say them, she can't. She doesn't trust that her voice will be steady, can't be sure she'll be able to utter the words with the steel she's come to use when dealing with members of her old crowd. Over the past few weeks, Logan has stopped being her enemy. Now instead of bitter rivals, they are occasional adversaries, two damaged hearts connected by a girl they both loved and separated by a year of lies.

She stares at him, and he stares back. They stand mere centimeters apart, but the gap spans months. For the past year and a half, she has been stepping away from the plain old Veronica Mars, who was Lilly's best friend, who was yellow cotton. And she has been becoming Veronica Mars, sassy and secretive, strong and in control; she has been becoming the red satin that Lilly always saw her as. And as she stands there, both mere inches yet huge canyons away from Logan Echolls, she lets the red satin come out, but just a little.

She leans forward, kisses him. The kiss lasts less then a second. It's what she offers him in place of the words. A quick peck and then she pulls back, afraid of showing too much, afraid of being vulnerable again, especially to him. As she pulls back, once again their eyes lock, and all of a sudden they're both searching for something.

Veronica thinks for a second she sees the Logan from before all the Lilly drama. She thinks she sees the Logan that first fell for Lilly, before she cheated on him for the first time, broke up with him for the first time, left him for the last time. This is the Logan who had been her friend. They'd hung out when the Kane's were away, consoled each other when their respective others had called it quits, trusted each other. She swears for a second that this is the Logan in front of her. But that can't be, because too much has changed. She shakes her head and starts to leave.

And as she was seeing the old Logan, he was seeing the new Veronica. He saw that she was no longer the quiet, shy girl who followed Lilly's every dream. He could tell that that Veronica was gone for good, buried as deep as Lilly. He's not sure what exactly banished that Veronica, but he's pretty sure it was a combination of all she'd been through over the last year. He could tell because the eyes that had once been clear of sorrow now swam in pain. The kind of pain that is more then just a mix of your best friend's murder, your boyfriend's abandonment, your mother leaving, and your school turning on you, pain that runs deeper and is composed of something he can't quite place. The kind of pain he understands. Maybe he hadn't experienced everything she had, but he knew pain. And even though seeing it in her killed him, it gave him hope as well. He never had anything to offer the old Veronica, but this new Veronica, he could offer her empathy. He could share her pain and help her escape it, even if only for a moment.

And as she starts to leave, he does something he never thought he would. He grabs her arm and pulls her to him, capturing her lips in a kiss. This one is not the chaste kind that she gave him moments before. No, this one is real and passionate and new. This kiss is him telling her he's sorry for everything, because he knows the words will never be enough. This kiss is her letting him know that though she can't forget it, she can try to let him back in. This kiss is Logan and Veronica, starting their dance, the one that will span years and continents. For him, its hope that someone will be there for him and hope that there's someone who might need him to be there. For her, it's the promise of something better, the realization that even though her life is no longer the fairytale she had, something good can still come of it.

And when they finally break apart, they each realize something. She understands that a minute ago, she did see the old Logan. He's still in there, and if she wants to she can bring him back out. He gets that, while she may no longer be what she was before the hell that has been the last few months, that may not be entirely bad. She has become what Lilly always saw in her, what Veronica herself had been too afraid to become.

It's weird the two of them have barely looked each other in the eye since Lilly's funeral, but in this moment, they can't tear they're eyes away. He still has his hand on her side, he almost feels like it belongs there. He tightens his hold just a fraction, but its enough. They spring apart, not far, just enough so that they're no longer touching. The loss of contact drives their eyes away as well. What spark caused the separation? In realizing who the other was, they remembered who they themselves had become. They remembered all the days that had passed, the insults that had been yelled, and the tricks that had been played. These memories cause the link to crack, but not break. Sure they were no longer the people they had been with Lilly, but neither were they just the people who had lost her. They were both a combination of pasts, of memories. The memories of days spent hanging out with Lilly, and nights spent mourning her.

All this is too much for Veronica, and she turns and walks away. She's spent too long building the walls to let them crumble completely just now. But Logan can't take his eyes off her, he watches her walk away. And once there is space between them again, she allows herself to find his eyes. She never thought she'd be rescued by Logan, but there he is in shining armor. He never imagined it would be Mars who would give him hope, but that's what she did.

She stops, poised to climb into her car; he pauses, unsure of what to do. But they're both sure of two things. This was only the beginning, and maybe, just maybe things do happen for a reason.


End file.
